The Healing Light Alchemist
by aliasaurorasaccounthasmoved
Summary: Look, the fic is named after the main OC, her name's Kazumiko, and she's French. How much more obvious can she be? Crack AlxOC. It's theretard5892's Mary-Sue challenge.


Back in the day, which, as you all know, was a Wednesday (I believe this is because Arthur Dent could never get the hang of Thursdays), I was sitting at the lunch table in school, quite thoroughly occupied with the task of ignoring my friends. Not because I'm mean or anything. My friends are just really, really obnoxious sometimes. At the moment, Tony and Sarah O. were fighting over something in a plastic baggie—I couldn't get a good glimpse of it, but I think it was full of Cheerios—while Savannah was talking about something inane **(probably Twilight) **to Catriona, who was quietly drinking her Snapple and nodding or grunting occasionally, as if she was listening. In the next table over, Daniel was grating on the nerves and/or stealing the shoes of whatever whiny preppy girl he currently wanted to fuck, Sam was talking the ears off of that one kid whose name I don't know, and Ashley and David (the scary one, not the freshman one) were having some sort of competition that I didn't really understand, only that it involved a lot of yelling and cussing and jumping around and accidentally hitting bystanders.

I was trying to hurry up and eat my lunch before somebody noticed I had food and tried to steal it. What they don't understand is that school lunch is the only meal I ever get to eat, since I don't have time for breakfast because of how early I have to go to school **(hooray for The System!)** and my mother doesn't buy food. She's on some sort of no-eating-allowed diet, I think. **(Newsflash, Mom, you're almost 40 years old. You bore seven children by two men, then divorced them both. You're a special ed teacher. Stress + childbirth + age = fatness. Give up.)**

Anyway, while I was playing the how-fast-can-you-eat-twelve-tater-tots-without-choking game, Sarah T. was explaining to me in excruciating detail about some HarryDraco lemon she found on Quizilla in which Lily and Sirius got together instead of Lily and what's-his-face. Oh, right, James. **(I don't really care.)** And apparently Harry and Draco were in some sort of game show and… I was just sort of hoping it made sense in her head.

Well, there were only 25 minutes of lunch break, and I wasn't going to waste them listening to Sarah's 'riveting' tale of true (yaoi) love while watching her eat salad out of a bent piece of aluminum foil. **(Oh, yeah. This is Baltimore. We're ghettolicious like that.)**

People say a lot of shit about teenagers. Stupid shit. Personally, I get a kick out of adults who think they know everything there is to know about us, and try to advise other parents all about how teenagers "make poor decisions" and "have bad judgment" which is all crap (Seriously. Fuck adults. They think they're so smart because of their nice and shiny prefrontal cortexes. SHUT THE FUCK UP. **AT LEAST I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR AND YOU'RE.** Dumbasses).

On the other hand, there is one cliché that is true about us, for a fact: If we're daydreaming and staring off into space, 99% of the time, we're thinking about sex. Notice I didn't say, "if a teenage boy is daydreaming and staring off into space, 99% of the time, he is thinking about sex." That is simply not true. Girls think about sex quite as often and graphically as boys. I would know…

At that moment, I was thinking about why people ship LxLight. I never could see it. I suppose I'm just incurably heterosexual, because after about six seconds of thinking about yaoi, I spontaneously began shipping LightxMisa. But Death Note is too old to hold my interest for long, so, as usual, I went back to thinking about much more interesting things, namely, FMA. My guilty obsession. **(And, if you're reading this, it's yours too. No maybes about it, honey. Normals don't read fanfiction. And they sure as hell don't read crack. Which this will be as soon as I stop rambling and get to The Point.) **

Because I have a complex of some sort, I was daydreaming about this while shading a doodle of Meta Erlich in Emo Mode **(haha, that's a trick. Meta Erlich is ALWAYS in Emo Mode**. If you don't know who Meta is, it's because you're some poor sucker who doesn't read ENAT. Basically, here's the mental picture: Blonde, ten years old, unnaturally skinny. Recently lost her father** (oh, believe me, he deserved it. He pissed Riza off. Nobody pisses Riza off and lives) **and, even more recently, her brother (who she totally worshipped). She's a little bit mental, and regularly hears her brother's voice in her head. Thus, she turned to alcohol to solve her problems, which seems to be working pretty well, if you overlook the fact that she's alienated pretty much everyone in her life who isn't currently dead. Even Al.** How the fuck do you alienate Al? He's like, incurably forgiving.) **

I believe I was also humming pop songs in French. **(Superbus, FTW. Look them up. Just do it.) **And before you say, "But how can Kitty hum in French? How can she hum in any language, for that matter?" the truth is, I wasn't totally humming. I was also kinda scat singing. Now you're gonna say, "But still! How can you scat sing in French?" Trust me, it's doable. Scat singing in French sounds like this: "Da-da do-da, doodly da da nn, ooh, da da-da, croissant."

While I was doing this strange multitasking ritual, I—

**(HEY! We've arrived at The Point! Woot!)**

—I was thinking about what Mird asked us to do in one of her fics.

(If you don't know who Mird is: she's theretard5892, FFnet's Queen of FMA Crack. If you still don't know who the fuck I'm talking about, run. Seriously. Get out while you still can.)

**(Wait, maybe The Point is still on the way? We shall see.)**

Mird's challenge to us authors was to write a fic using one of her twenty designated Sues.

**(Don't know what a Sue is? Get the fuck out.)**

I had already decided to use the Healing Light Alchemist as my designated Sue. Why? Because, and I quote: "She looks like a perfect, innocent fifteen year old school girl." Except for all the bad stuff I occasionally do and my semi-insanity **(not a problem for me: all writers are by definition a little insane. Otherwise, how could Zaphod Beeblebrox, Dolores Umbridge, Zolf J. Kimblee, Luna Lovegood, Stargirl Caraway, and all those other loony characters come to exist?)** and the fact that I am not fifteen, I AM EXACTLY LIKE THIS SUE! And it's hardly a good Sue unless you're self-inserting, right?

**(The Point… Doth this be it?)**

Nope. Because now, as is required of all Suefics, even crack ones, I shall now go into excruciating detail about this Sue's appearance.

First of all, her name was Tsuji Kazumiko. And she was French.

Her backstory was… ahh, nonexistent. She was born when the tears of a lovestruck angel were collected in the petals of a rose under the eerie light of a total solar eclipse. This happened in Tokyo, as all things do. But don't worry about taking this backstory too seriously. It'll get contradicted later.

Confused and disoriented, the beautiful and perfectly Sueish Tsuji Kazumiko wandered around Tokyo innocently (proving that it is indeed possible to wander innocently, despite the logical question of "Then how does one wander deceivingly?" being left unanswered) until she… uh… somehow fell into a manga stand and, through a curious and illogical stream of events, entered the FMA world, whereupon she immediately met Edward and Alphonse Elric. You see, they are the only two people in Amestris.

**(IIIIT'S A SMALL WORLD AAAAAFTER ALL!)**

"Oh my gosh!" gasped Kazumiko. Her hand flew to her forehead and she looked up at the sky from whence she had just fallen abruptly.

Ed and Al had on identical "what the fuck?" faces. **(Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a "what the fuck?" face when you are a suit of armor? No, you don't. So take my word for it that Al did so.) **

"What the fuck?" said Ed, in keeping with his facial expression.

"Oh, I am so dizzy!" Kazumiko moaned, swaying as she clutched her forehead. "If only there were some sort of benevolent knight in shining armor figure into whose arms I could fall once I swoon dramatically and don't wake up again!"

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Ed. "Foreshadowing a future event and using an idiom in an ironic way _in the same sentence?_ Al, she must be The Chosen One!"

"More importantly, nii-san, she's about to faint!" Like a speeding bullet, Al rushed to Kazumiko's side. But not really, because if he was really that similar to a speeding bullet, that might… you know… harm her. Also, he might get pulled over by a cop. And how lame would that be, right in the middle of this fic? **(Quite.) **"Kazumiko!" Al shouted as he held the now-collapsed Kazumiko in his arms. "Please, wake up! How can this be a blatant AlxOC pairing without you CONSCIOUS?"

"How did you know her name?" Ed asked.

"It's a plot hole," Al explained. **(Perhaps he did the deal for the shinigami eyes.)**

"Oh," said Ed. "In that case, let's drop everything we're doing and help this random girl out despite the fact that we don't know her at all, she means nothing to us, and us stopping our quest for the Philosopher's Stone is totally not OOC at all. I mean, look at her! She's so beautiful and defenseless! We absolutely can't leave her here all alone!" **(Wherever 'here' is. It hasn't been specified, but my money's on Never Never Land.)**

"I agree completely, brother!" Al affirmed, completely ignoring the rules of internal continuity by referring to Ed as 'brother' instead of 'nii-san' as it was earlier stated. "We have to take her to a hospital!"

"Luckily, one is across the road," said Ed, "therefore there will be no need for a Plot-Advancing Horizontal Ruler!" **(For more information about the dreaded Plot-Advancing Horizontal Ruler, read theretard5892's extremely helpful "how 2 rite gud fanfikshun." By the way, there's absolutely nothing in there about Plot-Advancing Horizontal Rulers. **_**Yet**_**.)**

So Ed and Al hopped, skipped, and jumped over to the hospital across the road. The doctors and nurses took Kazumiko and put her in her very own personal room, since this is fanfiction, and the Sue is the only person in the world. Other people do not exist. Especially not ones who might possibly be sicker than the Sue and therefore might take precedence over the Sue. **(Rule #1 of Sue: Nothing takes precedence over Sue.)**

* * *

One horizontal ruler later, Ed and Al were in the waiting room. They were the only ones in the waiting room, since they are the only two people in Amestris. The doctor, who has no name, personality, or life outside of his role as stock character, told them that they could go in to see Kazumiko now. So Al went to go see Kazumiko. Ed, on the other hand, wanted to make sure the pairing wasn't interfered with, so he stayed in the waiting room and picked his toes, wondering if he was going to get to do anything at all of importance in this fic, or if Kitty would at least pair him with Winry so he could finally get laid. **(Teenagers. What did I tell you? Every thought process ends with sex.) **

So Al went into Kazumiko's hospital room. Fluffy conversation probably ensued, but Kitty was lazy and didn't wanna write it because her cat was trying to make friends with the keyboard and mostly what was happening as a result of that was 0lpgikho[plokkkhckkkkdsgh.

After that, Kazumiko used her Healing Alchemy, which breaks the rules of alchemy and is therefore Capitalized, and turned Al human again. A hot kiss probably ensued as well. Also, implied sex. **(There you go again.)**

By this time, Kitty, by which I mean me, was getting bored of this daydream. There wasn't enough sex in it for my standards. So I switched to a new one about Roy getting Riza drunk and _dot dot dot._ **(And anyone who's seen Mamma Mia! knows what THAT means!!) **

**And one last thing: I'd like to thank Mird… for sheer awesomeness, I suppose.**


End file.
